| The cure to my boredom |
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08:44pm 05/11/2009 |
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I want to be creative. I want to be able to write for pages and pages with an aqua green gel-pen. I want to find worthy quotations and tape them to my wall. I want to sit in my room and listen to music and draw pictures that illustrate the mood I'm in. I want a best friend who understands how I feel. I want to wear my clothes with a flair that no one else has. I want to always have a book to read. I want a job where I can be myself, surrounded with like-minded people. I want to go on drives with no destinations. I want to have fun in silence. I want to find meaning in unlikely places. I want to know that I matter. |
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| Day off |
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05:35pm 21/10/2009 |
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Feeling better today. Maybe because I slept in til 1, ha. And I cleaned the house a lil. Taylor came over the other night and brought me some cd's she made for me and I bought some necklaces she made. I like em. That was nice. So now I'm waiting for Kyle to get off work cuz this is like our one and only night off together so we're going to go shopping at Kohl's (cuz we got these coupons for 15% off everything) then we might go to Annadel or out to dinner or arrange our bedroom a lil more. I like the way the apt is coming. Ky hung up my cosmo hangy things above my dresser.. it's starting to feel more home-y. I like the way Obama sounds when he talks. He feels comfortable and intelligent to me. I don't know much about what's going on in politics, but I at least know I like O as a person. Hope he's doing a good job. |
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| How they stick, in your mouth... taste like Gold. |
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07:30pm 19/10/2009 |
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I feel so blank, yet on the verge of crying in front of everybody. I just feel so tired. All the time. I wake up early for work and wish with all my might that I could go back to sleep. I have a day off and waste it sleeping all day. I might be happier if I quit one of my jobs.. but then could I afford to pay all da bills? My happiness and sanity might just be more important than a little poverty. High point of my day: Now. |
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| High Low. Decisions, decisions. |
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06:59pm 19/10/2009 |
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Hi. I feel like I need to get better in touch with my feelings so if I ever can't think of anything to write about, I'll just do this exercise: High (points of my day): -Feeling pretty in my work outfit -Joel not being at work -Some customers are cool -Reading on my lunch break (Currently reading: Monster: The Autobiography of an LA Gang Member) -free hot chocolate with coffee -another free hot chocolate with coffee (which gave me some much needed energy) -Jackie gave me a mini 3 Musketeer's bar -The rainy, cloudy, rainbowy weather -The green apple scented air freshener in my (new) car - Coming home to empty house -Finally folding my clothes -Kyle texting me "look in the safe...." -The contents of the safe Low (points of my day) -Alarm going off at 7 am -Getting to work a half hour early.. coulda slept longer and didn't realize it -Being tired... like, all the time -Some customers are dumb -Consuming all those forms of chocolate made me feel fat -My cats have fleas, therefore I have fleas -The contents of the safe. The contents of the safe... it's been over a week since I've swallowed some of those... Would be fun, but would be detrimental to my body... Decisions, decisions. mood: Torn music: No One Knows, QOTSA |
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| (no subject) |
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08:44pm 27/03/2009 |
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Sometimes I feel so lonely I ache. I think I hold back parts of me I should let free. It's interesting, how far my feelings of sadness will go when I let them. There's a real deep abyss of sadness and frustration inside me that I tend to ignore, but then once something reminds me of all that pain, it's hard to not fall in completely. Where's all this balance I claim to be so familiar with? At least I know it's what I need. I want a yin yang tattood on me. I need a reminder. Myspace is so deceptive. I can spend time reading people's words and looking at their pictures and deciphering their personalities, and I can feel close to them, like I relate to them or know them, but... I feel like I have no one to really talk to. I keep thinking about Kurt's words, "I'm so happy, because today I found my friends, they're in my head." I think existentialism fits in here. |
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| 22 |
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12:44am 29/11/2008 |
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Granted, I'm a tad buzzed, but I'm really feeling a lot of love right now. My friends planned a surprise birthday party for me tonight... it was just plain cool. I had NO idea.. when they all yelled "surprise!" I was like... why is everyone here? What's going on? Oh yeah! It's my birthday! I cried. It just feels good to feel special. I really love the people I love. |
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| shootin the shit |
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05:32pm 18/11/2008 |
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I am NOT looking forward to the holidays. All my families and all Kyle's families want us all day every day, and I can't handle it. Plus everyone's poor, I'm poor, and it's just such a hassle! I don't need hallmark holidays to feel cheery and love for my family... I hate all the consumeristic bullshit. Bah humbug and junk. So I'm at almost 3 weeks, about half way through with the wearing of my boot thing.. then I'll have a few weeks of physical therapy, cuz it's already to the point where I can't bend or flex my toes on my right foot. It's so weird watching a part of my body deteriorate like that.. But it will get better. My doctor keeps telling me how lucky I am that I didn't need surgery, because most breaks like that do... and today he said I'm lucky because I'm healing really well.. and he even commented on the clover covered socks I was wearing and said I must just be a lucky person. :) He's a young, nerdy and flirtatious doctor.. named Dr. Star. Cute name, huh! Heehee. I love nerds. Like Kyle always says and I always agree with.. Individual people are cool, but large groups of people ain't so great. It's been reeeaaallly nice spending a lot of time with the KyKy.. he's been taking a lot of care of me- has been passionately compassionate. It's been a romantic few weeks, being able to "wake up slow" with him. It's also been a wild few weeks.. Ha. I asked for more passion and I got it. ;) And me and the Megsters have been hanging out a lot more.. my sistafriend. She's here like almost every night now. I'm glad she and Ky get along so well. I love my buds. <3 That is all. mood:  I heart juice shack |
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| September 9, 2005 |
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06:10pm 09/09/2008 |
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3 years ago today? I'm reliving the day as the hours go by. We were at Fresh Choice at this point, I think. My mind hasn't been able to grasp the fact that it cannot dig it's heels into the ground and slow time down, starting at this point 3 years ago. I swear, on some parallel universe, we're all still at Fresh Choice right now. And at 9:00 tonight, she'll still be pulling out of Halyard. But maybe this time she'll be able to keep driving. Michelle. mood:  indescribable |
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| Climbing up the wave again |
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02:24pm 24/08/2008 |
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So I think maybe what I've been tuning into is my friends' desire for me to be single again.
And Kyle's friends desire for him to be single again.
And maybe a little bit of my own...
But the more me and KyKy talk about it, the more I'm reminded of how much I really want to be with him. This is right. He's my baby.
(I can understand why mine and his friends would want us to be single. I can understand that a lot of our energies go into our relationship so we might neglect our friendships a bit. Plus, it's just fun to go out with single friends and "troll for booty" as Kyle puts it. Ha. Now that all my girl friends are single I think we're going to be hanging out a lot more...)
I have a goal to include my friends in my life a lot more, and to encourage Kyle to spend more time with his friends. Also to focus heavily on school and my own brain altogether. Having 3 psychology classes is helping a lot so far..
Valpoo's totally right about seeking stronger individual lives to make our relationships (inter- and intra- personal ones) richer... I'm really confident that we will be ok now.
Having faith helps me have faith. mood:  confident |
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| Second-guessing.. |
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04:43pm 20/08/2008 |
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School.. has been ok so far. Well, kinda. I'm a little upset because my original schedule had to be changed. My History of Women class got canceled, so I had to move things around, so now I have huge blocks in between classes, again. Well, I also have blocks because somehow I didn't notice that the psych 1a class I signed up for is an accelerated class and doesn't start until October. Ugh! So for now, I only have 2 classes on Mondays and get out at 1:30, which is kinda cool.. but then Wednesdays, today, I get out at 1:30 then have to go back at 6. :( Luckily, the class I'll have to go back for is Psychology of Identity, which sounds hella interesting, so I HOPE I HOPE I HOPE I'll be motivated and interested enough to go back to every class. I REEEAAAALLLY want to do well this semester.. I'm thinking that not having Kyle there with me will help.. I think he was a big distraction last semester.. no offense.. But on the subject of Kyle... I think this is just one of those "relationship waves," where you doubt you're into it anymore... but yeah, just that. I've been feeling less "into him" lately. But aw, it does hurt to say that. I do absolutely still love him and want to be with him. But I've found myself fantasizing about what my life would be like without him. I've been fantasizing about meeting new people at school and maybe finding a new life. I guess I've been feeling bored, or useless lately with Kyle. Not like it's his fault.. I just feel like I've been with him since I was 12 practically... and as much as I'd love for this to be the fairy tale relationship that ends with us married happily ever after, there's a part of me that is aware of the fact that there are so many other directions my life could go. And his life could go other directions too... he's been really dedicated to his band lately, and they sound really good, and I guess their goal is to become an actual band that people will hear about... and I believe they can do it. The bummer is, lately the only nights he and I have to hang out he spends jamming, because his bandmates complain that he doesn't jam enough if they're going to become famous and all... And I'm all for that, but at the same time I miss him of course, and feel like we're drifting apart... But I brought this all up to him the other night, because he's been mentioning that he too feels like we (or I) have been distant... So well it started because I purposely didn't take a Monday night class I wanted so he and I could have a night together, but then this last Monday he told his buddies he would jam.. I got pretty sad/mad at him so this whole conversation about "where are we going?" came up. It ended with us both crying and saying we couldn't imagine living without each other and we want to work on staying together. He brought up the song Schizm by Tool.. "I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing. Doomed to crumble unless we grow and strengthen our communication. I know the pieces fit." All the lyrics of that song, and those especially, really work for me and Kyle when feelings of uncertainty come up for us. But still, this is the first time in our relationship where I've felt like I do for sure want to work on staying together, because I do definitely believe he and I have something special... but I'm afraid I might be believing something that might not be true. What if our souls were just meant to grow apart? What if we're at the point where we've gotten everything we were meant to get out of this relationship, and it's soon going to be time to move on? The fact is, right now, we're doing fine and I absolutely do not want us to end. It hurts to even think about that. But there is definitely a distance between us that didn't used to be there... so we'll see what happens I guess. :( Now there's a tightness in my throat. I love Kyle. I want to love him forever. I'm wondering if it is just the feeling of doubt itself that is making me distant? What if we're not meant to end at all, and it's just my fear that's leading me to be distant and therefore create a distance which leads to me doubting our connection? The dangers of a second-guessing... This is so hard! I wish I could just know how things are supposed to be..... But I guess that's what "Faith" is for. |
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| words! |
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05:37pm 11/08/2008 |
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I love words. I love reading peoples' methods of articulation. I love it when you read something and it evokes such deep feelings... Words make me feel so close to Life. mood:  impressed |
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Read 1 - Post - Add to Memories - Tell a Friend - Link
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| Hehe! |
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10:46pm 01/08/2008 |
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Ahhhh! I'm freaking starstruck! Scott Less, a radio DJ from the Fox (radio station I listen to) came into my bank the other day.... I wrote this message to him: ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: KeliDate: Jul 28, 2008 6:25 PM Hey Buddy! I think I saw you today in Bank of the West in Sebastopol. If I wasn't shy and didn't want to bother you I would have told you I'm a fan. :D -Keli the bank teller :) ---------------------------- And this is what he wrote back: That is SOOOOO COOL! Thanks for listening. And thanks for being a great Banker. (not sure what that means, but sounded good). Good to know that the Fox rocks Sebastopol! Have a great weekend, Scott Ahhhh! I'm giggling like a school girl!! What a nerd. :) |
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| Head like a hole.. black as your soul.. I'd rather die than give you control. |
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07:59pm 30/07/2008 |
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Ya see, there's this quote I really like that says "In wildness is the preservation of the world," which to me means that it's when humans are in touch with their wildness, their instincts and intuition and all the deep-down real stuff, that the world is really sane. Our minds are so muddled with media and conventionality that we tend to lose touch with what's real and important. So I that's why I allow myself to play sometimes. I think we shouldn't be ashamed of our drives, we should embrace them. Because otherwise a person could start to feel cooped up in their normalcy.. mood:  mischievous |
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| MIP |
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06:39pm 01/07/2008 |
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I fucking hate that I have to hide one of my cats from my landlords. When i first moved into this place, the landlady said "I think 2 cats will be fine." So we had two cats. Mine and my boy's. But then somehow that landlady left, and now we have these new landlords who say we can only have 1 cat. So now every time they have to do "preventive mantanence," we have to bring my kitty to the boy's mother's house to hide her. So we took her there yesterday, and last night I had nightmares that I locked her and her mom cat in this room in a broken down house, and then the police decided to burn it down. So she died at my fault. So I woke up today missing the crap out of her, but the maintanence peeps weren't supposed to cum until between 9 am and 4 pm.... so we just now went to his mom's house and got her. But I'm pissed cuz it's like I had to hide my own daughter from my "Landlords." (Why the fuck do they put the word "lord" in that title? I don't give a shit about them, and they don't give a shit about me. Or my cat.) Anyhoo. We drove up with Francis in her carrying case, and we had to be all sneaky about getting her back inside. She's home now, so I'm more at ease... but now I want even more to move out of this place. mood:  aggravated |
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| And my answers |
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09:55pm 26/06/2008 |
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1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? | I don't think so | 2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? | | 3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? | I do because it's not "girly" like most girls my age. | 4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? | | |
| 6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? | | 7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? | Sometimes to be funny. Otherwise if I'm really pissed too. | 8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS | Yes. (Did you not get your ice cream, Non?)
| 9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? | HELL YEAH | 10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? | It changes. I've been digging my whole grain cheerios with strawberries the past few days. | 11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? | | 12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? | In some ways | 13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? | | 14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? | "How I feel in their presence" ---good one Non. I also notice humor | | | 16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? | Low self esteem sometimes. | 17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST | Granddad. Family I don't see much these days. | 18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? | | 19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? | | 20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? | Cherry Garcia, hehe | 21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? | nothing | 22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? | I always answer this with "Kelly Green" cuz it has my name in it and I like green. :) Dark green works. | | lavender, burning wood (campfire) | 24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? | Vaneza | 25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? | I love my sexy grandma :)
| 26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? | gymnastics or ice skating | | naturally light brown. It's dyed kinda dark brown now. | | | 29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? | No
| | Lasagna, pesto, HAMBURGERS | 31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? | both are corny | 32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? | There Will Be Blood. It was creepy. But I bet Daniel Day-Lewis had fun acting his part. He was nuts. |
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? | | | I'm enjoying summer | | KISSES AND HUGS | | ice cream | 37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? | Nonni :) |
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND None |
| 39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? | Eat, Pray, Love and Fight Club. I tend to read a zillion books at once. | 40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? | trippy designs. | 41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? | no more cable | | sometimes, silence. | 43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? |
Both
| 44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME??? | Hawai'i. | 45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? | I too am intuitive. I'm also good at expressing my feelings through writing. :) | | | 47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? | |
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| Nonni |
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09:52pm 26/06/2008 |
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A survey Nonni sent me about herself. I want to keep this forever. She's so cool. :) 1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? | NO | 2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? | Yesterday after a wonderful massage | 3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? | love it-- the palmer method
| 4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? | | | 2 Biological
4 Step Children
6 Grand Children
| 6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? | | 7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? | NO only when I am really pissed | 8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS | No and they promised me ice cream and didnt say I would be in too much pain to eat it
| 9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? | not today | 10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? | | 11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? | I dont wear shoes w laces | 12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? | YES
| 13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? | white choc raspberry truffle by Hagen Daz | 14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? | How I feel in their presence | | | 16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? | I am programmed to believe I must work very hard. I exhaust myself. | 17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST | Lala Lena and Lala Flora, my aunts who died, and today my granddaughter whom I havent talked to in awhile | 18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? | | 19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? | strappy high heeled sandals--very sexy | 20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? | a gluten free buckwheat waffle w peanut butter and fruit My favorite breakfast | 21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? | My husband Allan emptying the dishwasher | 22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? | Today--new leaf green | | Pesto, night jasmine, Allans' neck and the scent of ones I love. | 24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? | a sweet client who was crying healing tears | 25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? | YES, love him
| 26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? | you mean I have to watch sports? | | I dye my hair dark red | | | 29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? | No
| | Pasta con pesto, Mexican and almost anything without curry. | 31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? | HAPPY ENDINGS | 32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? | Savage Grace eeew! |
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? | | | SUMMER | | KISSES AND HUGS | | Chocolate anything especially mousse | 37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? | My granddaughter Onni. We love "glimpse into the life of."....things like this |
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND Someone who has more important things to do today |
| 39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? | The Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd every woman should read it | 40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? | a piece of cheese | 41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? | Didnt watch TV | | People I love laughing | 43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? |
Both
| 44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME??? | Germany Italy | 45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? | I am intuitive in the extreme | | | 47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? | |
mood:  amused |
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| (no subject) |
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10:09pm 16/06/2008 |
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You Are a Tuna Fish Sandwich
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Some people just don't have a taste for you. You are highly unusual.
And admit it, you've developed some pretty weird habits over the years.
You may seem a bit unsavory from a distance, but anyone who gives you a chance is hooked!
Your best friend: The Club Sandwich
Your mortal enemy: The Turkey Sandwich
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I personally love tuna sandwiches.. mood:  hungry |
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| falling... |
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03:55pm 10/05/2008 |
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Oh, to skydive. To jump and fall into the air, knowing there is NOTHING under you to catch you. It would be the most ultimately scary thing, yet the most calming. |
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| November 2009 |
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mycherrycola's journal
gloomy